Terminal Lance “Clinically Trialed”

February 5, 2021

This is a joke, but it would surprise no one. With such little control over your own life while enlisted in the service of Uncle Sam, it should come as no surprise that you have equally no say over what vaccines you are given as well. You haven’t lived until you’ve stood in line with 150 other Marines to get a delicious cocktail of medically administered flu, anthrax, and smallpox vaccines all at once.

My entire battalion flew across the globe with swollen, disgusting scabs on our arms from the scar-inducing smallpox vaccine.

Of course, with the current state of affairs, Marines should be so lucky to be getting inoculated against COVID. Marines need to be kept healthy and ready; if not to fight our nation’s wars, then to at least keep Doc from dying of boredom.

(Funny how that strip from 11 months ago has aged. Like most, I really thought the pandemic would be over and done with by now, rather than a continued discussion almost an entire year later)



Terminal Lance “Corpsman Up: Coronavirus”

March 27, 2020

While all the hype in the medical pandemic world is centered around the infamous COVID-19 virus, Corpsmen across the Corps have been at the frontlines of battling microbial infections in genitals across the military for years. In a report released in summer of last year, sexually transmitted infections amongst military personnel are on the rise, keeping Corpsmen and medics across the spectrum of the armed forces busier than birds and bees.

With the Marines “socially isolated” from each other and the civilian population at large, I can imagine that venereal diseases, unplanned pregnancies, and general dumbfuckery are down quite a bit. Imagine being a Corpsman in this time, having spent the last years of your life examining odd blemishes on Marine genitalia for the majority of your career, only to have it taken away from you at a moment’s notice.

The coronavirus affects us all.

In all seriousness, and this should go without saying, I’m not here to make light of the seriousness of the coronavirus situation. Living in LA, I’m as grateful as anyone to see the Navy’s hospital ship arrive this morning to help with the national crisis at hand.

God bless all of our medical workers right now, Corpsmen included.



Terminal Lance #528 “Core Temperature II”

August 21, 2018

Like most normal humans, I have had a fever before. Again, like most normal humans, I have used a thermometer to take my temperature. However, never in my life have I thought to myself, “…what if I put this thermometer in my ass instead of my mouth?”

The United States Navy has convinced you all through complex information operations campaigns that sticking a thermometer in your asshole is a medical necessity. Did you know there are very common thermometers that take temperature based on your ear? Is there a reason Doc can’t carry one of those in his med bag? I mean, let’s be realistic here, the symptoms of heat stroke are fairly obvious.

When it’s 104 degrees outside and you’re running for 2 hours because Staff Sergeant is a depressed alcoholic, we can safely assume that a Marine passed out on the ground is probably a heat casualty. Like, anyone can tell this just by looking at him, and a simple ear thermometer would be able to confirm this fairly easily as well.

It’s a trick. It’s a dirty, dirty trick designed to keep the fear of Doc in you, should you fall out of the hump. The ubiquitous silver bullet awaits those who fail the test of fortitude.

Don’t be the one.

…Unless you’re into that sort of thing.



Terminal Lance #476 “Corpsman Up”

June 2, 2017

Doc always wants to be a Marine until it’s time to do Marine shit.

For the record, getting yelled at and forced to do dumb shit is definitely classified as Marine shit.

Ever platoon has at least one Corpsman, and somehow they always find a way to skate out of all of the shitty Marine shit. Of course, BAS is their go-to, but we all know they don’t actually do anything there. This is further backed up by the fact that Marines never actually go to medical, so I mean what would they be doing there?

Everyone loves Doc, but he’s also an asshole because he gets to get out of the daily suck since he’s Navy and they usually get treated like ‘people’ instead of pieces of shit. In that regard, Corpsman is kind of the best job in a platoon, if you ignore being forced to look at random sores on the genitals of your platoon every day, as well as anally violating Marines with thermometers…

Then again, they’re Navy, so they probably enjoy that too.