Terminal Lance #555 “Promote Above Peers”

August 9, 2019

The Marine that reaches Corporal before his friends is quite like the kid that hits puberty first. He used to be cool, but now all he talks about are girls and his three facial hairs. New Corporals are like this, except they only talk about “NCO Creeds” and their three peacetime ribbons. While they’re largely the same as the people who used to be their friends, they feel different.

The new Corporal feels the weight of leadership thrust upon him. He’s not just a Marine, he’s now an NCO of Marines. The rank of Corporal is a test of character that the Marine Corps wants you to fail.

Will you still be a cool ass dude? Or will you succumb to the desires of the Green Weenie and delve further into the dark side of the Corps? The Green Weenie is relentless, constantly trying to lure good Marines to being a dick.

Lucky for you, adventurer, The Terminal Lance Bestiary of the Marine Corps is here to act as your guide against the green forces of evil! The Terminal Lance Bestiary of the Marine Corps is a brand new eBook on Amazon and Apple Books, featuring character classes, ranks and all manner of creatures and ghouls you’ll encounter throughout the Corps. May it guide you in your darkest hours across the Corps.

Click the sad Corporal to find out more.



Terminal Lance #486 “The Babysitter’s Club II”

August 1, 2017

There’s nothing worse than getting saddled with the Platoon Commander during your PT or field op. There’s something inherently off-putting about officers, as if they decorate themselves with fine perfumes prior to every field op. They look and smell nice, but that’s exactly why the enlisted hate them to so much. There’s an explicit otherness to officers that is impossible for the average enlistee to ignore.

Perhaps its their extended education or their characteristically hot wives. More commonly, it’s because the stench and aura of the boot is hard to shake. Marines in the infantry respect rate above all else, meaning they value the virtue of experience moreso than the rank that might be on your collar. This puts new officers in a tough situation, since you’re essentially universally hated as a boot, despite the fact that you are in charge of the entire platoon.

Lest we forget, the worst sin of the Marine Corps is that of the boot.

However, it’s totally possible to be a boot and not act like a complete boot. Boots are easily spotted by their beady eyes and remaining bits of excessive Marine Corps motivation. They can also frequently be heard from a distance impersonating drill instructors.

As well, cammo paint is generally boot as fuck unless you’re literally Arnold Schwarzenegger in a 1980’s movie.

In other news, we got some cool new stuff coming down the line, so stay tuned. Lastly, I want to mention that The White Donkey should have a new cover imprint with the best seller tag, so check that out if you’re into collectables!



Terminal Lance “New Joins”

January 6, 2017

Well it’s finally happened you guys. Yesterday, the first female infantry Marines checked into 1st Battalion, 8th Marines at Camp Lejeune.

Now they finally get to understand the prestige of being a grunt in the United States Marine Corps. They’ll get to do such intense physical activities as standing by in their rooms or cleaning weapons at the armory for 7 hours for no particular reason. They’ll spend a bunch of time standing around waiting for formations because First Sergeant and the CO are always late. They’ll completely stop giving a fuck about their careers after a couple of years and do the bare minimum to pass PFT’s and ranges because they just don’t care anymore and their cutting score is fucked anyway.

Welcome to being a grunt.

You’ve earned it.

It’s been a long and controversial journey, one that I don’t think is ultimately going to really change much of anything in the long run, despite keyboard scholars proclaiming otherwise. I was in the Marine Corps infantry myself, and I can tell you that it isn’t spec-ops. Not every grunt can fireman carry another 250 lb Marine in full gear. I had a Marine in my platoon that weighed 120 lbs soaking wet, and there’s no way he could have carried me or anyone else out of a danger zone.

However, there’s ten-thousand other things this Marine could have done in that situation, such as operate a radio or a machine-gun. So don’t worry, the gruntpocalypse isn’t happening quite yet, I’m sure.

We’ll see if these changes stick with the incoming administration, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t. But who knows! If you’re with 1/8 and you have some insight on this story, please shoot me an email off the record and let me know how it’s going.