Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance #534 “Standard Issue”

December 18, 2018

The Marine Corps issues its members a variety of gear and clothing associated with the position of killing for Uncle Sam. One of those that is rather understated is the luxurious, soft and shitty underbody of the Staff NCO. Upon reaching Staff NCO status—usually in your mid-to-late twenties and after popping out a few kids with your shotgun marriage wife from your Lance Corporal days—your body goes through some… changes.

This is most regularly expressed in the form of the dad-bod. The dad-bod is a specialized shape of male fitness provided by years of neglect and beer. All Staff NCO’s are typically given a dad-bod upon reaching the higher enlisted ranks.

…Or if they’re not, you’d certainly think they are.

I haven’t posted in a bit, but I’m sure if you follow Terminal Lance on other avenues you probably noticed the continuing drama between myself and the abstract social media policies at large of the Marine Corps. Simply put, I think the Marine Corps has (in typical Marine fashion) misunderstood the intent of the social media guidelines created in the wake of the Marines United scandal a couple of years ago.

What began in earnest as a way to protect women and other Marines against online harassment has spiraled into a dogmatic witch-hunt against any Marines appearing on social media for anything ever. Unit commanders get nervous, fearing that a video of a Marine doing something funny will get them in trouble. After all, everyone answers to someone. So, as a response, they do silly shit like demand that a video get taken down from a private, civilian-owned company under threat of revoking an entire battalion’s liberty on Thanksgiving.

For the record, I find this to be an outright act of cowardice and a disgrace to the Corps values that these people pretend to embody. That’s really all I can say about it, other than the fact that Terminal Lance’s social media policy is not the Marine Corps’ social media policy. Last week, a representative from the Marine Corps’ media relations offered to have a conversation with me about it, but when I called he never picked up or called me back.

Oh well.



Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #462 “It All Rolls Downhill”

March 3, 2017

For years, scientists such as Albert Einstein have been looking for a unified theory of everything; something that reconciles quantum physics and relativity. In the Marine Corps, I have developed my own unified theory of everything:

Shit.

Shit is the overarching theory of everything in the Marine Corps.

Field ops are shit.

The food is shit.

Working parties are shit.

Duty is shit.

It’s all shit.

The most important facet of this law is also the physics involved with the direction in which the shit moves.

Shit only moves one way: Down.

Most of your time as a junior enlisted Marine will either be spent doing literally nothing, something, or being yelled at for something, or nothing. Understanding the laws of the Marine Corps, if you can’t figure out why you’re being yelled at, you can deduce, through scientific method, that the shit must have come from above–as shit can only move one way.

Perhaps your Team Leader caught shit for something you did, which was received by his Squad Leader, who in turn received a shitting from his Platoon Sergeant, who got shat on from the Platoon Commander, who took massive shit from the Company Commander; etc.

Never forget, shit only moves one way.

Don’t be at the bottom when it lands.