Terminal Lance #568 “Reinforcements Inbound”

January 10, 2020

Baghdad, Iraq, zero-three-hundred hours… You’re jolted awake in your sleeping bag by a loud rumbling at your side… An enemy attack? You’re not sure. You unzip the bag and pop your head out to take a look… It’s your racist uncle, fast asleep. He forgot his sleep apnea machine and his snores are louder than any mortar you’ve heard so far.

There’s obviously a very touchy geopolitical situation going on in the Middle East right now. Tensions are on the rise as the threat of war with Iran looms over the heads of our young men and women deployed to Iraq. They may or may not have feelings of their own about the situation. Most of the time spent as a Marine is just doing what you’re told, whether you want to or not. Your opinion, as a Marine, doesn’t matter there.

Of course, the opinions on the internet of divorced alcoholics with enlarged prostates don’t really matter either, but that sure doesn’t stop them from putting them all over the internet. As with anything that would be better off without them (like their ex-wives), the hardline Facebook Veterans are out in full force, stumping for a war with Iran that they won’t have to fight.

Let’s send them, I say. In the great words of Ken Watanabe…



Terminal Lance #552 “The Draft”

July 2, 2019

Just another day in the life of the Angry Facebook Veteran. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that the military can’t be good for some people who choose to enlist. For all of my daily degradation, I think I gained quite a bit from my enlistment. What I’m saying is that the people that support the draft are never, like, normal, chill people. They’re also usually never people that were drafted themselves, seeing as we haven’t done that since the Vietnam war.

The bottom line is that, no matter how much I may value my time and experiences in the Marine Corps (in many ways I do), I chose to go. No one forced me to. There’s a rather selfish gap of logic that must be jumped before one can wish to indenture that experience onto the entire American population, somewhat directly contradicting the whole idea of personal freedom and happiness that that silly constitution blabs on about.

The common argument is that, because we’ve been in a perpetual state of war for the last 18 years, we should have a draft to fix the “veteran and civilian divide.” Why this is the preferred solution to the perceived problem, as opposed to literally anything else, I’m not sure. The problem is so far beyond just sending more people into the mix, which logistically doesn’t really even make sense.

When World War III breaks out, we’ll talk.

The Angry Facebook Veteran is an obnoxious creature. He shares outdated, badly compressed and pixelated memes about how badass he is, while simultaneously unable to do a pull-up since 1998. He is outraged about everything, and turns literally any national discourse into something to do with veterans and the military.

Oh sure, black lives matter, but what about VETERAN LIVES?! #22aday #hero #blessed



Terminal Lance #495 “Postpartum”

October 17, 2017

What you have just witnessed here is the birth of a new Angry Facebook Veteran.

Interesting things happen when Marines are away from their own kind for too long. They begin to revert into a primitive idolatry that is normally reserved for moto parents and boots. You can see the beginning signs of this any time an active duty Marine is on leave, where they must make it known to the world that they are in fact Marines (despite the fact that they totally hate it).

It makes sense that it’s usually the biggest assholes you knew on active duty that turn out to be the biggest assholes in their newfound civilianhood. Regardless, the Marine Corps has a way of infecting the minds of even the most normal of people from day one until the day you’re six feet under. You find the Marines you knew that swore up and down they hated every minute of it wearing the most obnoxiously moto gear on their persons and vehicles after they leave, unable to cope with their own identity.

Finding yourself again is often more difficult than just forever claiming the title of Marine. However, you weren’t always a Marine. It took me a long time to remember who I actually was, as the military in general tends to discourage too much independent behavior. The whole point of boot camp and “breaking you down” is to remove your identity and supplant it with one of their own. This is great for Marines on active duty and in the thick of it, but it doesn’t do so many favors for people once they separate.

Veterans often struggle with the transition, but a large part of that is simply answering the question: Who are you? Many have forgotten that they were once a person before they were a Marine.

What do you like to do? What did you do before you enlisted?

These are questions you’ll need to figure out once you’re out in the world, lest you become just another Angry Facebook Veteran scouring the internet for the next patriotic thing to be outraged about.