Maximilian

Creator


Terminal Lance Easter 2021

April 4, 2021

What could be a more valuable reward than the virtues of Marine Corps leadership? If you’re lucky, you may even find the grand prize egg containing an NJP. JJ tied a buckle for your sins, and today is the day that we celebrate his knot skills.

Grab your basket and start searching for hidden prizes.

By searching, I mean police calling the barracks. By basket, I mean trash bag.

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Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Barracks Lawyer II”

March 27, 2021

Amendment III: No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Seems pretty clear-cut to me that the 3rd Amendment of the United States Constitution was designed to stop would-be Jodie soldiers from bedding in places they aren’t supposed to. A soldier (specifically) sleeping in another man’s house surely makes the cut here, legally speaking. The founding fathers of the United States truly planned for everything.

Of course, a constitutional loophole is that this clearly only applies to Army soldiers, and not Marines, Sailors or Airmen. Maybe the founding fathers didn’t think of everything, after all.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance – Stimulated

March 22, 2021

Marines are famously great with money. Well, they’re not great at keeping it, but they’re great at spending it. All the more reason that the economic stimulus checks of $1400 are better spent with Lance Corporals than anyone else. If the purpose is to put the money back into the economy, Lance Corporals will happily dump $1400 into beer, strippers, and new cars faster than they got it.

This is what happens when most of your income is completely disposable. Of course, there are many Marines with real obligations and money sense, but the vast majority of young E-3’s live in the barracks, eat their meals at the chow hall, and don’t have to pay anything for health care. What else are you going to do with your guaranteed bi-weekly government paycheck?

This is why I’m announcing that I’m going to open a theme park outside of Twentynine Palms specifically for Marines to waste their money on. Beer, guns, strippers, coffee, roller coasters, you name it. Terminal Lance Land coming soon (not really).

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Ambiance of Camp Wilson”

February 26, 2021

There’s really no rhyme or reason to the fact that toilets across the Corps are often without any doors or dividers of any kind. Try as I might, I can’t think of any real explanation for this fecal phenomenon. In nearly any training environment built specifically for Marines, going to the head becomes a forced social event with you and your best buds.

Here’s where I’m confused: the DOD budget for 2021 was nearly $700 billion dollars. How much could a stall door possibly cost? I mean really.

I suppose it kind of makes sense when you’re talking about boot camp, where the point is to dehumanize you. But what about the rest?

My personal theory for Camp Wilson is that, at some point, there were doors and stalls.

One day, someone fucked up.

Their CO decreed that they no longer be allowed to have doors and stalls while they shit.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Masked Up”

February 20, 2021

If there’s at least one upside to having to wear masks in the midst of the COVID pandemic, it’s that Marines can now safely grow out those thigh-ticklers in peace. When any Lance Corporal is given an inch, you can be guaranteed they will take it as many miles as they can. There’s nothing particularly fascinating or attractive about beards, but Lance Corporals make their money on small acts of rebellion, clinging to what slivers of identity they have left.

At this point I haven’t figured out if Marine veterans grow beards out of desire or out of spite for having not been allowed to grow it out for (at least) 4 years.

Can you believe the first comic strip I did about COVID was nearly an entire year ago? What a strange time we live in.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “The After-Field Drive Thru”

February 8, 2021

Things get emotional when you come home from the field. The drive thru immediately after turning your weapon into the armory is a ritual we’ve all partaken during our enlistments. After days or weeks of little sleep, no showering, and a gut full of slowly digesting MRE’s, a McDouble off the dollar menu is a beefy treat from the gods.

Fast food workers are the real heroes to Marines fresh from the field.

Of course…you’re going to need some fast food to move those MRE’s along.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Clinically Trialed”

February 5, 2021

This is a joke, but it would surprise no one. With such little control over your own life while enlisted in the service of Uncle Sam, it should come as no surprise that you have equally no say over what vaccines you are given as well. You haven’t lived until you’ve stood in line with 150 other Marines to get a delicious cocktail of medically administered flu, anthrax, and smallpox vaccines all at once.

My entire battalion flew across the globe with swollen, disgusting scabs on our arms from the scar-inducing smallpox vaccine.

Of course, with the current state of affairs, Marines should be so lucky to be getting inoculated against COVID. Marines need to be kept healthy and ready; if not to fight our nation’s wars, then to at least keep Doc from dying of boredom.

(Funny how that strip from 11 months ago has aged. Like most, I really thought the pandemic would be over and done with by now, rather than a continued discussion almost an entire year later)

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “The Roast Beef”

January 25, 2021

It’s a widely known fact that everyone loves a Marine in uniform. However irresistible they may be to potential partners, Marines also can’t resist romancing essentially anything that’s willing and warm. As a result, it’s hard to take any kind of compliment seriously when it comes from a Marine, knowing that their steady paychecks single-handedly keep strip clubs within a 50 mile radius of any military base afloat and economically prosperous.

There’s obvious science behind this. Take any fit 19 or 20 year old Lance Corporal with poor impulse control, decent enough looks, and an overabundance of confidence, and you’ll end up with downright impressive pregnancy and divorce rates across the nation.

Naturally, this comic was inspired by an actual conversation with my own wife, who refuses to believe me when I say she looks great. She does look great, but she’s also not wrong.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Hanukkah Miracle”

December 12, 2020

It’s officially the holiday season, a time for giving and reflection. This week saw the beginning of Hanukkah, and all four active duty Jewish Marines were probably in the field, because they don’t give Jewish holidays off.

I’ll never forget my first week in boot camp as a Jewish recruit. During one of the first weeks, on a Friday night, our drill instructor comes rushing into the squad bay and demands our attention. Eyeballs.

“Who here is Jewish?” he asked.

I was hesitant to say anything. If you’re Jewish, you’d understand. Historically, when the military comes around asking where the Jews are, it hasn’t gone well for us. However, I did speak up.

“This recruit, sir,” I responded, along with one other recruit.

“Come with me,” he said as he lead us out of the squad bay.

We had no idea where he was taking us. It’s bootcamp, so Friday and every other day of the week blend together.

He took us to a small temple across the way from the exorbitant football stadium-sized MCRD San Diego base church, where a Rabbi led Friday night Shabbat service. Myself and my newfound Hebrew battle buddy were surrounded by a small gathering of other yarmulke-clad recruits and civilian old ladies that enjoyed spending their Friday nights with the recruits. They were actually the best, because they felt sorry for us, and brought us a smattering of cookies and other goodies while we were tucked away from the drill instructors and other recruits.

Being Jewish in boot camp ended up being a profound hook up, because we’d get to spend Friday nights away from the squad bay, and Sunday mornings were left alone while everyone else went to church. During the Camp Pendleton phase, we even got whisked away one Friday for a special beach service at Camp Del Mar, where one civilian Jewish girl let us use her cell phone to call home.

Happy Hanukkah, Marines.

Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance “Lonely Fans”

October 22, 2020

Lance Corporals don’t get paid enough for what we put them through. It’s no wonder that many of them are seeking alternative means to support their income. In an age where anyone can get paid for basically anything, why not make an extra buck?

After all, these kinds of illicit activities have been expressly endorsed by the United States Military as of yesterday, courtesy of the official Ft. Bragg Twitter account commenting on an amateur porn star’s adult oriented tweets.

The hustle doesn’t stop for anyone.

In a little bit of good unrelated news, did you see that THE WHITE DONKEY: TERMINAL LANCE has officially been added to the Commandant’s Reading List? This was a welcome surprise, and this book would have never happened without the support of all the fans of Terminal Lance that contributed to the Kickstarter campaign back in 2013. You guys are the real MVP. The book is available in hardcover everywhere books are sold.