Terminal Lance #168 “When You Eat It…”

December 20, 2011

…you’ll shit bricks.

Ask any Marine, Soldier, Airman or Sailor and they’ll tell you that the “Meal, Ready to Eat” (MRE) we’re issued every field op does excruciating and somewhat absurd things to the colon and bowels on its digestive quest through the body. I don’t think I’ve ever actually figured out what causes the phenomenon, or whether it’s intentional by the manufacturer (I say manufacturer, because I assure you… MRE’s are not “made” or “cooked”–they are manufactured). The side effect of fake ingredients and preservatives provides the average Marine with a few day’s worth of stored up, rock hard poop ready to wreak its wrath upon any nigh port-a-shitters.

There are two noteworthy benefits the infamous “MRE shit”:

  • You poop once every couple of days.
  • The “clean wipe”

I suppose being backed up for days on end is unusual and generally unwanted for the average person–I know that now, as a civilian, I value my morning coffee-poops like any red-blooded American should. However, when you’re sleeping in filth and you’re stuck in the field doing a lot of physical work, not having to excrete your bowels at a normal rate is good because it keeps you less likely to be in the head when shit goes downhill. God help you when you do–it will be a trip to the john you won’t forget. You’ll brace yourself, bite your lip and push with all the might and power that your creator has bestowed upon you to pass these epic shits. But when they’re done, their rock-solid composition has left your backside surprisingly clean.

This leads to the second benefit: the clean wipe. As mentioned, being in the field means you’ll be sleeping in your own filth and not bathing for days. What could be better than walking out of the head with your rectum as clean as you came in? Plus, it’s just cool to go for the wipe and come up white.

In other news, if you missed my animated short “Post”, check it out here!

As it says in the description on YouTube, I created it for my Flash final assignment at CCA. The requirement was 30 seconds, but I wanted something a little more substantial. As I said, this was an assignment–so don’t expect this to be a regular thing right now… but it wouldn’t be amiss to expect to see more of these little guys in the future.

These cute Marines can also be found in the book “KNIFE-HANDS”, which is still on sale for $17.75! Pick it up and you MAY be able to get it before Christmas. (God willing)

Anyway, have a great holiday week! Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish niggas!