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I dunno, I just don't like being called a dog.
03BootBand on April 27, 2012, 03:10:56 PM
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The duffel blog makes me lol. People who think its real make me rageface

FPS Russia has a new video out that has some gay CGI drone. Everyone from legit news to SF domains posted it, cause holy shit people are retarded.
2001 - 2005: 0311

McFuu on April 27, 2012, 03:19:56 PM
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The duffel blog makes me lol. People who think its real make me rageface

I have friends posting stuff from Duffelblog too, I tell them its satire.  Luckily a couple of them know what satire means so I don't make fun of them anymore.

RazorBurn on April 27, 2012, 04:32:59 PM
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The duffel blog makes me lol. People who think its real make me rageface

I have friends posting stuff from Duffelblog too, I tell them its satire.  Luckily a couple of them know what satire means so I don't make fun of them anymore.


HAHAHA
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spykej21 on April 30, 2012, 11:00:20 AM
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Tampa, FL – Forget new gear, weapons, or sophisticated targeting systems. The newest tool coming to combat troops is low-tech: beards. In a report released yesterday, research think-tank Xegis Solutions noted that beards have a direct correlation to combat effectiveness.

Jonathon Burns was the lead researcher in the study.

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.”

CENTCOM wasted no time establishing a new rule forcing males to grow beards.

Commander Gen. James E. Mattis issued a statement to all troops in combat zones.

“The time has come for the Armed Forces to accept the facts, and the facts are that beards save lives. All this time it was speculated that Green Berets were better because of their superior and intensive training while in fact, most of it had to do with beards.”

There’s no doubt that many in the Special Forces community will be angered, but General Mattis is convinced.

“It’s settled science. In light of this information we will enforce a rule requiring all males to wear at least one inch of facial hair at all times. Furthermore, any females able to grow facial hair are encouraged to do so as well.”
Señor Cookie [14|Apr 05:03 AM]: I ALWAYS GAIN SEXUAL PLEASURE FROM WATCHING REBECCA BLACK
Señor Cookie [14|Apr 05:03 AM]: Yeah, I'm 21 and she is 13. But I'd still fuck her. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT!

Dildo Faggins on April 30, 2012, 11:30:47 PM
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Glad you guys like it... fortunately for us there is so much dumb shit happening that there is tons of material to write about.

I swear I'm not being sarcastic when I say I know numerous PAOs who get a kick out of the icon.
Holy. Fucking. GayerthanSUPERAIDS.

You're now PI's alternate persona.

Deal with it.

03 Spades Champion on May 01, 2012, 07:54:26 AM
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just made this a few minutes ago... thought you guys might get a kick out of it.

The Duffel Blog: Where Trolling is a pleasure.

03 Spades Champion on May 03, 2012, 06:44:45 AM
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President Obama Visits Afghanistan, Shoots Three Taliban Fighters

Forward Operating Base Salerno, Afghanistan – Today the American people are recovering from the shocking news that President Barack Obama came under enemy fire earlier this week in Afghanistan. While visiting with soldiers and key leaders there, the President came under attack from insurgents, cutting him off from delivering his speech.

“We must finish the job we started in Afghanistan, and end this war responsibly,” he said  to a crowd of soldiers at FOB Salerno, near the city of Khost.

At that moment the base began taking mortar fire from a group of insurgents firing from some nearby hills.

As Obama’s Secret Service detail threw him to the ground for protection, Specialist Hector Peterson ran over and handed him his M9 pistol, saying, “Here you go sir, you’ll need this.”

Obama then raced through the Entry Control Point with the Quick Reaction Force before anyone could stop him.

Covering the 4 kilometers between FOB Salerno and the insurgents’ positions in just fifteen minutes, Obama and his men came under heavy fire from an enemy machine gun team positioned to ambush them.

Obama then rallied the small squad of soldiers and encouraged them to fight by yelling, “Let’s give their mothers something to cry about!”

“He just opened up on them until his magazine was empty,” said Corporal Cyril Abrams, “then calmly reloaded and kept firing.  When I tried to take cover, he grabbed me by the helmet and yelled, ‘What?  Are you trying to live forever?’ and dragged me back in the assault.”

Reaching the enemy mortar position, Obama killed two insurgents, then turned to face a third who had dropped his weapon and was raising his hands.

“I don’t speak your ‘yabba-dabba-doo’,” Obama shouted, as he calmly shot him in the face.

At one point, after his pistol jammed, Obama surprised the troops by grabbing an AK-47 off one of the bodies and continued to put rounds downrange.

“Guys, I spent part of my childhood in Indonesia,” he said while effortlessly conducting immediate action on the weapon,  “It’s just like riding a bicycle.”

Continue Reading...
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VJmagnum on May 05, 2012, 06:09:20 PM
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President Obama Visits Afghanistan, Shoots Three Taliban Fighters

Forward Operating Base Salerno, Afghanistan – Today the American people are recovering from the shocking news that President Barack Obama came under enemy fire earlier this week in Afghanistan. While visiting with soldiers and key leaders there, the President came under attack from insurgents, cutting him off from delivering his speech.

“We must finish the job we started in Afghanistan, and end this war responsibly,” he said  to a crowd of soldiers at FOB Salerno, near the city of Khost.

At that moment the base began taking mortar fire from a group of insurgents firing from some nearby hills.

As Obama’s Secret Service detail threw him to the ground for protection, Specialist Hector Peterson ran over and handed him his M9 pistol, saying, “Here you go sir, you’ll need this.”

Obama then raced through the Entry Control Point with the Quick Reaction Force before anyone could stop him.

Covering the 4 kilometers between FOB Salerno and the insurgents’ positions in just fifteen minutes, Obama and his men came under heavy fire from an enemy machine gun team positioned to ambush them.

Obama then rallied the small squad of soldiers and encouraged them to fight by yelling, “Let’s give their mothers something to cry about!”

“He just opened up on them until his magazine was empty,” said Corporal Cyril Abrams, “then calmly reloaded and kept firing.  When I tried to take cover, he grabbed me by the helmet and yelled, ‘What?  Are you trying to live forever?’ and dragged me back in the assault.”

Reaching the enemy mortar position, Obama killed two insurgents, then turned to face a third who had dropped his weapon and was raising his hands.

“I don’t speak your ‘yabba-dabba-doo’,” Obama shouted, as he calmly shot him in the face.

At one point, after his pistol jammed, Obama surprised the troops by grabbing an AK-47 off one of the bodies and continued to put rounds downrange.

“Guys, I spent part of my childhood in Indonesia,” he said while effortlessly conducting immediate action on the weapon,  “It’s just like riding a bicycle.”

Continue Reading...

HOLY FUCK! That Obama guy is a real badass... he should give himself a medal.... he certainly earned his CAR that day... Hi 5 Bro
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SgtofWartime on May 06, 2012, 10:55:33 PM
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OP +1 for this. I'm a longtime fan of the The Onion and this has its satire and flare written all over it.
I don't know, they changed the word again.

Rerun0369 on May 16, 2012, 04:58:10 AM
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The Duffel Blog is funny. But what is even better is all the ignorant comments from people who can't recognize satire.
About that, give me a ring when this isn't Tumblrlance anymore

Quite Acceptable on May 16, 2012, 07:24:11 AM
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http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/05/intelligence-section-produces-high-quality-bullshit/
Quote
Intelligence Section Produces High-Quality Bullshit


FOB Delaram, Afghanistan – In the mountains of Farah Province, a dismounted rifle patrol from 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines prepares to depart the wire. Rifles are loaded, gear is checked, immediate action drills are rehearsed.

Lastly, and most importantly, the patrol gets a brief from their 0231 Intelligence Analyst, Corporal Oscar Jimenez.

“Intelligence shows that all Afghans are pedophiles. You should get a young boy to accompany your patrol; if you get into a firefight, you can use him to cover your escape while the Taliban are sodomizing him.”

Over the six months since they first arrived in Afghanistan, the men of the 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines Intelligence Section have repeatedly honed their skills at producing top notch bullshit.

For example, Corporal Jimenez has a list of high value targets that he acquired from the International Security Assistance Force Headquarters in Kabul. Every day he briefs his company on relevant targets, like Taliban leader Mullah Omar or Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, in case his Marines encounter them in the local marketplace.

Like many other intelligence non-commissioned officers, Corporal Jimenez recently graduated from a three-month entry-level course at the Navy-Marine Corps Intelligence Center, where he studied topics like the maximum effective range of a T-72 tank and Integrated Air Defense Networks — all highly-relevant for a counter-insurgency environment.

Corporal Jimenez also keeps a hopelessly out-of-date database on key leaders that he inherited from the previous unit.

“We’re tracking both the good guys and the bad guys,” emphasized Corporal Jimenez. “For example, Mullah Salluh is the go-to guy for the Alikozai Tribe in this area,” he said, referring to a mullah who was gunned down by the Taliban three months ago.

Corporal Jimenez isn’t the only motivator there. Lance Corporal Scott Huddleston always makes a point of including animation in his briefs, which he believes helps add a touch of humor to the day.

“These Post-Blast Analyses are usually such a downer,” said Lance Corporal Huddleston as he worked on an after-action report where the Taliban had detonated an IED at the entrance to a patrol base.

“Look how I made the Taliban do the moonwalk to where he emplaces the IED!” he proudly exclaimed, referring to the April 7 incident that killed two Afghan policemen.

But, besides briefing their own companies, the battalion’s intelligence section has plenty of other fudging to do.  Every day the 1st Marine Regiment requests a Daily Intelligence Summary or DISUM, from the battalion.

“Daily analysis is extremely important, since it lets the regiment know what its units are up to,” said Corporal Jimenez. “I used to just copy old reporting off Intellipedia, but then I came up with a Mad Lib that I’ve been using for the past three weeks. No one’s complained yet, and I can spend more time playing Mafia Wars!”

Two years ago, Lieutenant General Michael Flynn, the senior intelligence officer in Afghanistan, wrote a blistering report that argued the “U.S. intelligence community is only marginally relevant to the overall strategy.”

Since then, Marine Corps Intelligence units have worked to change that opinion.

“My Staff Sergeant told me that I have to start using Text Shadow, since it helps my key points stand out,” said Corporal Jimenez, working on one of his many briefs. “This will really help Marines understand my analysis that the entire Taliban are actually Russian intelligence agents.”

OORAH INTEL

03 Spades Champion on May 17, 2012, 02:48:17 PM
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The Latest:

Quote
Citing OPSEC Fears, DoD Bans Tapout Clothing for All Military Personnel

Washington, D.C.- Citing concerns over operational security, the Department of Defense has implemented a policy prohibiting all military personnel from wearing Tapout clothing, including t-shirts, hats, and accessories, when out of uniform.

The new policy went into effect Thursday on the recommendation of a council led by Dr. James Miller, Principal Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Policy.

“Even though Tapout gear is incredibly tacky, that’s not what this is about,” Miller said in a press conference. “Admittedly, as a mixed martial arts enthusiast, I take personal issue with fat soldiers walking around with ’Tapout’ on their chest, when they can’t skip rope for five minutes, let alone step in a locked cage against a trained fighter. And to me, whether you’re fat or fit, if you don’t know the difference between an omoplata and a gogoplata, then you just look like a jerk in a Tapout shirt. But at the end of the day, we’re primarily looking at our troops’ safety.”

Miller stressed that the ban stems from concerns about Tapout gear and operational security, or OPSEC.  According to a DoD press release, OPSEC is defined as “seemingly harmless information that adversaries can use to develop intelligence against our forces.”

Miller said that officials were concerned that Tapout clothing “could give the enemy a big-picture idea of how many military personnel are in an area, where they go in their off time, and what kind of asinine garbage they spend on their money on. Basically, if I go to a movie theater and see a bunch of Tapout shirts, I know two things: one, there must be a base nearby, and two, with all these posers around, I’m probably the best fighter there, pound for pound.”

Miller said that a defense working group was sent to San Diego, CA, Fayetteville, NC, Jacksonville, NC, and San Antonio, TX to observe people in Tapout gear. The group went to shopping centers, bars, and Dave & Busters, and asked people wearing Tapout clothing whether they were in the military. The working group’s data indicates that 1% of the people interviewed were civilian mixed martial artists, 15% were local douchebags, and 84% were active duty military.

“84% is a big deal,” Miller said. “Even though this wasn’t a formal study, we can’t sit by and do nothing. Not too long ago, I went to a mall outside of Joint Base Lewis-McChord on a Friday night and thought I was in the middle of a UFC Fan Expo. And I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that not one of those guys could throw a switch kick, or counter a basic double leg, or maintain an appropriate range against a fighter with a reach advantage. Also, don’t forget the OPSEC.”

Many military personnel are not pleased. Specialist Frank Alvarado, who is assigned to the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg, said, “This is bullshit. I wear Tapout because it’s an expression of who I am. I’m a soldier, but I also train UFC.”

Miller said that the working group will be sent out to identify other possible OPSEC concerns, such as skin-tight Under Armour workout shirts worn at bars and restaurants, high-and-tight haircuts, and civilian wives so overweight they make the passenger side of the couple’s Honda Civic dip when they get in.
The Duffel Blog: Where Trolling is a pleasure.

roadhog on May 17, 2012, 06:15:49 PM
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Check the comments, this one guy got trolled hard by that article.

AKBoarder on May 18, 2012, 02:40:21 AM
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Frank Alvarado should have been something lamer than Airborne, like Quartermaster or something, cuz it's always those dudes in the Tapout/Metal Mulisha shirts.
Do not go gentle into that good night

kitchen on May 18, 2012, 09:38:50 AM
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Frank Alvarado should have been something lamer than Airborne, like Quartermaster or something, cuz it's always those dudes in the Tapout/Metal Mulisha shirts.
Now that one pisses me off. I have rode dirt bikes all my life and all of a sudden everyfuckingbody wears Metal Mulisha. I start talking to them about riding and always get the "Oh I don't ride bro, I just like the clothes". Shit makes me rage hard

Aaryq on May 18, 2012, 03:30:01 PM
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Frank Alvarado should have been something lamer than Airborne, like Quartermaster or something, cuz it's always those dudes in the Tapout/Metal Mulisha shirts.
Now that one pisses me off. I have rode dirt bikes all my life and all of a sudden everyfuckingbody wears Metal Mulisha. I start talking to them about riding and always get the "Oh I don't ride bro, I just like the clothes". Shit makes me rage hard
I'm too lazy to google about metal mulisha but I saw a shit load of it recently.  So I guess it's not a UFC thing but something about motorcycles?  Sillyness.  Boots gonna boot.
dont question yoss, he knows everything and youre wrong.

Witch King of Agmar on May 18, 2012, 03:53:29 PM
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Yeah its a motocross/ x games kinda thing
THAT IS UNAUTHORIZED KEYDET!
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Game over, bros. Dor just won.

the falconator on May 18, 2012, 06:47:08 PM
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http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/05/marine-scout-sniper-burning-cross-logo-raises-controversy/
Quote
Marine Scout Sniper ‘Burning Cross’ Logo Raises Controversy

Camp Pendleton, California – The Marine Corps’ Scout Sniper community has once again found itself embroiled in controvery this week, following the recent unveiling of a new unit logo which critics describe as a burning cross with the letters “KKK”.

The new Scout Sniper unit logo was intended to replace the controversial previous one, a jagged “SS” that some complained resembled the emblem of the Schutzstaffel, a Nazi paramilitary organization responsible for countless war crimes during World War II.

According to the designer, Staff Sergeant Nick Harrison, the logo was not intended to cause offense.

‎”It’s just a crosshair from a rifle’s optic,” explained Harrison.  “Come on, we’re snipers! And we’re so accurate that the crosshair is bursting into flames.  And the letters ‘KKK’ stand for ‘Kill! Kill! Kill!’ which is in keeping with our warrior ethos.”

He added, “If you ask me, there are just some full-time offended people out there who see what they want to see.  They’re going to be upset with anything we do.”

The new logo was originally unveiled at an April 4 picnic, which the Scout Snipers denied had anything to do with the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s assassination, saying it was just “random chance.”

“Any date is likely to be the anniversary of something horrible if you look hard enough,” said Staff Sergeant Harrison.

According to Colonel Harold Tyson, an official from the Marine Corps’ Department of Heraldry, the burning cross was actually among the least offensive designs submitted by Scout Snipers as potential replacements.

Inviting reporters into his office at Marine Corps Base Quantico in Northern Virginia, Colonel Tyson produced a stack of cardboard boxes simply marked “Rejected Scout Sniper Logos” in black marker.
Marine Corps Snipers Posing With SS Logo in Afghanistan

Marine Corps Snipers Posing With SS Logo in Afghanistan

As Tyson reviewed some of the many rejected logos, he also produced the accompanying responses from Scout Snipers explaining what the logos symbolized.

An image of Lee Harvey Oswald and the JFK assassination came with the caption: ”There are many famous Scout Snipers in American history, and we are always standing vigilant to guard our nation’s back.”

A giant Iron Cross superimposed over the Confederate flag, with the ends colored in to form a swastika was labelled: “A salute to our German and Southern heritage.”

“Okay, this one can’t possibly be taken as offensive,” began a note enclosed with what appeared to be a picture of a Scout Sniper raping a nun.

The note went on to say, “He’s hugging a woman in a veil to show how we defend the people, just like those guys in The Boondock Saints.  That’s also why we added the Latin motto.”  The motto in question is the prominently-displayed ”DEUS VULT”, a slogan popularized by Europeans on The Crusades.

The last image Colonel Tyson showed reporters was an MRE box received from 3rd Battalion, 5th Marines, where someone had simply scrawled in crayon: “Stop the Jews”.

“We’re not quite sure what to make of that one,” he said.

Phone calls to the Marine Corps Division of Public Affairs went unanswered.  However, an automated voicemail contained the instructions: “to report a new outrage caused by the Scout Snipers, press three………….para reportar un nuevo escándalo causado por los Scout Snipers, pulse tres”.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2012, 07:16:35 PM by the falconator »

Shia LeBoot on May 19, 2012, 06:39:55 AM
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One of my friends last night was like "Did you hear about that Tapout shit?  That's bullshit, huh?"  I explained to him that it was satire...lol
I'm not reading all that shit and have no idea what you're arguing about but I feel confident in saying that one of you is profoundly retarded and the other one agrees with me.

MountainSquid on May 19, 2012, 11:07:06 AM
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This article resembles a few of the sailors that post on TL.

Quote
Navy Prospect Desperate To Avoid Sea Service, Recruiter Has Been ‘Big Help’

San Diego, CA – 17 year-old Nathan Brottman wants to serve his country, and he’s got the perfect plan for how to do it – the Navy’s Delayed Entry Program (DEP). But Brottman has a problem — he’s deathly afraid of the water.

“The DEP is actually pretty great,” says Brottman, “We meet one weekend a month and practice marching and saluting and stuff.”

When asked why he had chosen to enlist in the United States Navy, he disclosed that the Marine Corps recruiter was at lunch, and the Navy Career Counselor next door invited him into the office.

“He asked me why I wanted to join the Marine Corps and I told him I wanted to be a Sniper like in Call of Duty. He said that the Navy SEALS were the best snipers in the world, and pointed to the De-motivator poster behind his desk that talked about them shooting Somali pirates on Easter Sunday ftom the deck of a destroyer. Next thing I knew I was taking a practice ASVAB and peeing in a cup.”

Brottman had some reservations about joining the Navy, but his recruiter assuaged his fears.

“I told him I didn’t want to go on a ship, and he said that shouldn’t be a problem. I’m terrified of the water. He told me that Marines always have to go on ships because they ride them from place to place, but a lot of sailors these days get shore orders, and that I could become a SEABEE and do construction.”

A week later his recruiter took him to Military Entrance Processing Command where he began his future in the Navy.

“I didn’t do great on the ASVAB, but it turned out ok. I was eligible for the Undesignated Fireman program! The classifier at MEPS said that was good because I would become a striker and choose any rate I wanted. I figured a fireman would have to stay off the ship because they have to drive firetrucks and things like that. As long as I don’t have to go to a ship. I can’t swim.”

But why not the Army?

“My cousin was in the Army and he hated it. He said it sucked living in a tent in the desert. I asked the recruiter if we had to sleep in tents, and he said that sailors always slept in a berthing. I didn’t exactly understand the term but it sounded like it would be more comfortable.”

With high school graduation a few weeks away, Brottman is looking forward to making the Navy a career. “I looked at the time in rate requirements and I’d be eligible to be a chief in 9 years! I think a chief fireman would be a cool job, like Robert De Niro in Backdraft.
Maximilian [22|Sep 01:56 AM]: My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard.
Sgt Rod [08|Nov 02:44 AM]: you suck at being a nerd MS
SSgtDunno [04|Jan 08:22 PM]: i could totes use a drink of water down there.. i get so parched

Witch King of Agmar on May 25, 2012, 12:59:12 PM
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The Duffel Blog now has its own forum. Bout time.
THAT IS UNAUTHORIZED KEYDET!
"Take it seriously, but don't take it too seriously."-Another example of Army Mindfuckery
Game over, bros. Dor just won.

number17 on May 25, 2012, 01:04:18 PM
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The Duffel Blog now has its own forum. Bout time.
EVERYONE LEAVE TL!
Sent from my SCH-I510 using Tapatalk 2
Maximilian [21|May 05:11 PM]:   If my wife slept with Daniel Craig I wouldn't even be angry, I'd just ask how it was.
Maximilian [21|May 05:12 PM]:   AND WHAT IT WAS LIKE
Maximilian [21|May 05:12 PM]:   Possibly Jon Hamm too.

theguywhodidthething on May 30, 2012, 06:44:49 AM
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calvin on May 30, 2012, 11:12:39 AM
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http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/05/terminal-lance-creator-revealed-sergeant-major-marine-corps/


I knew uriate sounded fake.

Quote
“Let’s face it, we have a lot of stupid lieutenants out there. Maybe we can get Abe and Garcia a lieutenant who’s a total jack-off and teach our lieutenants proper command techniques through him.”




Maximilian on May 30, 2012, 12:25:43 PM
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‘Maximilian Uriarte’ is actually an anagram for ‘Do Your Leading Marines MCI’.

Needless to say, I had a good laugh this morning.