Terminal Lance

It seems like I don’t do this enough. The blog section of this site goes largely neglected, partially due to the fact that I mostly write about my thoughts in each comic update, and partially because I just haven’t had much veteran/USMC/military stuff to talk about as of late. It’s a difficult thing, being a somewhat prolific military writer many years after having separated from the Corps. I think there’s a certain amount of irony in the idea of being a somewhat anti-establishment artist that relies solely on the establishment for my success. Terminal Lance began as a movement of sorts, I wanted to give a voice to the lower enlisted Marine in a way that no one had previously attempted. By most measures, this has been a success. I’ve got this comic strip of mine published weekly in the Marine Corps Times newspaper, I get roughly 50-150,000 views a day on this site–not including the Facebook page or my other social media outlets. I pride myself on this accomplishment, and I keep doing it because you all keep reading it.

I feel that, first and foremost, I am an artist. I put my art before everything I am, because that’s what I am. I put my life on the line for the sake of my art. I enlisted with an ASVAB score of 92, I chose to be infantry not because of job security or benefits–but because I wanted the experience. Art is the voice of humanity, and a voice isn’t worth listening to if there’s no wisdom behind it.

Something that always kind of irks me is when people compare Terminal Lance to those veteran social media Facebook pages you see every day these days. You know, the ones that post pro-gun memes and anything that glorifies the military experience; the ones that degrade females with endless sandwich jokes and generally have anonymous administrators. Terminal Lance is not like those pages. What immediately separates my creation from these other pages, for starters, is that it’s actually a fan page for a different website–or more accurately for the comic. Additionally, Terminal Lance is run by me, Max. You all know me, my life has been transparent to you over the last 3 years and I’ve never made an effort to hide behind the internet.

I find it interesting that if you Google my name, this is what happens:

Apparently people seem to be interested enough in my personal life. Yes, my ex-wife and I separated some 6 months ago. I assure you, I’m fine though (and so is she). The past 6 months have been a new experience for me, possibly a bit too overwhelming at times. I found myself drinking a lot, neglecting work and dealing with intense anxiety and depression. For the first time in my life I found myself sitting and talking with a psychiatrist, courtesy of the VetCenter. They say artists tend to be more sensitive in some regard than most, and perhaps this is true for me–I couldn’t really tell you. I can tell you, however, that my visionary nature tends to find me caught up in my own mind quite frequently. What-if’s turn into epic tales, fantasies become fully realized stories and my own stories become immensely burdensome emotionally.

I wonder sometimes if my experiences in Iraq had been different if Terminal Lance would exist. Maybe my problem was that I never found what I was looking for when I enlisted. I never saw any hard combat (not for lack of trying anyway, we were outside the wire every day), and I think this lent itself very easily to looking at the entire experience as some kind of laughing matter. Then again, I was never the guy that enlisted because his daddy’s daddy was a Marine and it would make my family proud. I suppose I always had a sort of disconnect with the experience, a sort of automatic third-person perspective, as if I weren’t a Marine myself but taking part in some grand experiment. An embedded artist out of place in an organization of men with purpose. I felt like a spy of sorts, not really belonging to the Corps from the start. I earned the title like anyone else, but I could never stop myself from feeling largely out of place.

Regardless, the experiences I came to find in the Corps are mine. Over the last 7 years since I enlisted, I’ve been to war twice, I’ve gone around the planet, I’ve been on my own, I’ve been married and divorced, I have lived. When I look into the eyes of the civilians around me in my post-EAS state, they are the same age as me, but they’re not. I look at them and I feel like I don’t fit into their world either. I think this is the struggle of every post OIF/OEF veteran returning to the civilian world.

I’m not sure what the point of this blog post is, I suppose I just felt like rambling.

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that I just put up a Necropocalypse mini-comic up for sale on eBay. I have a very limited quantity available, there’s only 50. Each one of these things is hand-crafted by yours truly, and also includes an awesome little sticker of the zombified mini-Marine guy at the top of the page right now. $25 might seem a bit steep for a 10-page mini comic, but a lot more work went into producing this than the regular prints which sell for the same price.

Seriously, I went through hell getting these fucking things printed and made this week. I actually wanted to get them done earlier, and I apologize that these most likely won’t make it before Christmas, but hey a late Christmas present is better than none, right?

Check out the eBay page here to buy!

I still wear my skivvies as lounge shirts

I EAS’d over two years ago, but I still wear my skivvy shirts as lounge shirts. There’s something just so comfortable about these broken-in, thin cotton shirts.

When I was a wee-boot, my section leader made it a point to only buy the more expensive, nicer UnderArmor skivvies you could buy at the PX. At about $30 each, it wasn’t a cheap habit, but his entire collection of skivvies was high-quality to an absurd degree. Myself? I’m cheap, I always bought the standard-issue Soffe cotton skivvy shirts. And why not? These things, once worn in, turn into the comfiest lounge shirts you can buy.

Soffe needs to start selling pre-worn, stonewashed versions for maximum comfort.

Director/Writer/Badass David Ayer was kind enough to talk with me a bit about his new film “End of Watch,” which opens today. I worked closely with David over the summer on his current project, he’s a down-to-earth guy that you wouldn’t expect to be such an auteur filmmaker at first glance. However, he’s a very real and demanding director with clear vision, he knows what works and isn’t afraid to ask for it.

David Ayer

David Ayer probably best known for being the writer behind Training Day, End of Watch being his 3rd directorial debut.
Max: You’re former Navy, can you talk briefly about your MOS and service?

David: In the Navy we have NEC’s (Naval Enlisted Classification)  I was an 0412 which was an AN/BQQ-5B Victor 2 Submarine Sonar Operator.  (Sorry you asked.)  In simple terms I tracked bad guys underwater.

Max: How did you manage to go from the Navy to being  a screenwriter/director?

David: Transitioning from the service to Hollywood was unplanned.  I was a construction guy after I got out and got lucky and found a mentor.  I didn’t go to college or anything like that.  I got lucky but had the skills and discipline to back it up.

Max: How has your military experience informed your filmmaking?

David: The closest to a deployed unit I have seen since the Navy is a film crew.  It’s three AM and you go from talking about girls and football to full blown shit hitting the fan mode.  But there’s less lifers bitching about your boot shine and gig line.  The biggest thing I missed from the military was the sense of mission, the camaraderie and the willingness to get the job done.  In a way I’ve found a new home.

Max: Was it an inside joke that Jake Gyllenhaal is seen here playing an ex-Marine? (Referring of course to his performance in Jarhead; Jake also strangely played the brother of a Marine in “Brothers”)

David: Jarhead was a different kind of movie.  That’s all I’ll say about that.  But a lot of former Devildogs go into Law Enforcement.  There’s definitely a Marine Mafia in several departments.  One of my tech advisors, Nick Chacon was a former Marine who got hit pretty bad downrange and transitioned into LAPD.

Max: End of Watch definitely takes advantage of the found-footage aesthetic. This seems largely appropriate for a cop film of this nature, but is this something you plan to use in the future?

David: The found footage thing can be overused sometimes.  It worked in this case, but if I do it again the critics might cut up my Director’s Guild card.

Max: The cinematography in End of Watch is very chaotic, yet the film is structured and told in a way that is controlled and makes sense. Is there ever a struggle between maintaining this chaotic aesthetic and control over the film?

David: I think chaos is beauty.  A good story always begins with structure.  There’s a beginning and middle and an end.  Even in the craziest moments there is order and it’s there for a purpose.  I wanted to show the madness and confusion of contact with the “enemy”.

Max: I think one of the things that makes this film so enduring is the chemistry between the two main characters. How much of the dialog in the film is scripted and how much were the actors allowed to improv the performance?

David: The movie is about those friendships that only seem to occur in uniformed service in harm’s way.  I wanted to show the closeness and trust that forms even between people from very different worlds.  Mike and Jake just killed it.  They trained for months to get that relationship as natural and believable as it is.  It feels natural and unscripted but most of the shit-talking is scripted.

Max: How much was the actual LAPD involved in making this film?

David: LAPD was a big help.  From the line officers who helped us get the details right to the training cadre who help get my actors locked on.  We even shot in an active LAPD station.  I don’t know if that’s happened before.  At the end of the day it’s a hugely positive depiction of LAPD and they recognized that the public needs a different and honest take on police officers.

Max: How does it feel to see the film getting such a great response? (Currently 85% on Rotten Tomatoes)

David: It’s weird.  I’m a bit of a pessimist by nature, I like to manage my expectations.  I’m glad people get it and it shows you can do something different and still be successful.

Max: What’s your favorite military movie?

David: Apocalypse Now.  Then Dr. Strangelove is number 2.

Max: What’s your favorite Terminal Lance comic?

David: The “Welcome to the Fleet comic.”  The difference between POGs and grunts.  It reminded me of hitting the fleet as a shiny new sonarman.  You’re pretty useless and thereby hated when you report to your first boat.  They call you a “NUB” — A non-useful body.  But it’s like the Lion King, newer guys show up with their seabags and you become the old lion.

Max: Waffles or pancakes?

David: Really?  Pancakes, dude.  No question.

Max: Can you talk at all about your current project, “Ten”?

David: Arnold Scharzenegger and Sam Worthington play federal agents on a high-speed tactical team.  Kind of like Band of Brothers meets SWAT.  It’s going to crazy so stand-the-fuck-by!

Max: Thank you for your time, you’re fucking awesome and I love you.

Make sure you check out End of Watch, opening tonight! David and his crew are a great bunch of guys, Jake and Michael give an amazing performance and I think it’s the kind of movie that most veterans would appreciate. It’s as real as it gets.

Recently, there’s been a lot of blowhard talk from overtly closet-moto douchefags about how I’ve gone soft or I’m selling out. This is, in fact, untrue.

Terminal Lance has always been a product of my integrity. I call things like I see it, I try to produce a funny comic that generally has a lasting message associated with each strip. Everything I do, I rely on my gut to tell me what is right and wrong, what is too far or what violates my own morality. My site gets upwards of 50,000 visits a day, yet I took down the advertisements that bring in money because I didn’t like the way they cluttered up my page.

Last night, I posted a photo that was sent to me on Facebook because I thought it was funny. It absolutely was. The photo was of an extremely overweight, unsat female Marine sitting at medical. I don’t know or care about what her story was, but 3,000 comments later the photo just wasn’t sitting well with me and my ever-reliable gut. The Marine Corps Times and the Marine Corps itself have never once asked me to take anything down or alter my approach, despite the fact that I work closely with the newspaper. I make my own decisions here and on the Facebook page, I have not sold out to anyone.

I write my own jokes, I don’t need to laugh at someone to make myself feel better.

So here’s what I don’t give a fuck about:

I don’t give a fuck that there’s some closeted flaming retards that think I’ve gone soft. I don’t give a fuck because I don’t need to. I am not some lame Facebook page with nothing better to do but circle jerk myself and my closed-off group of like-minded friends that can’t get over ourselves.

I’m Max, and I follow my gut. I’m Max, and I’m the creator of Terminal Lance.

On another note, I think it’s right for me to point out that I’m going through a lot of shit lately. You may have noticed that I’ve been somewhat absent, and its because I’m dealing with some fairly life-altering events as of the last few weeks. I’ve lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks due to stress. I don’t like to bring my shit to work with me though, and I ask you all to bear with me.

With all the work I do for Terminal Lance, sometimes I get tired of thinking about the military all the time. Since I’m not some kind of single-minded motivated retard, I think of a lot of jokes that simply have no place in a military comic. As a result, I’ve taken up (on the side) a new webcomic endeavor with another artist, Brad Hock.

Into the Mangrove

Into the Mangrove is a place for me to kind of let loose, not worry so much about my target audience and just write funny, weird, offensive shit. Brad does the bulk of the artwork, he’s an amazingly talented cartoonist and animator, and all of the strips are co-written between the two of us. I’ll be dropping in every once in a while as well, posting my own one-shot comics on the site.

Of course, I can’t devote myself entirely to it since I’m so busy with Terminal Lance, but as a side project it gives me something to go crazy with. Take a look, the humor centers loosely around manly stuff, like… man-humor. I dunno, it’s a theme we’re working with but the comic can really be about anything.

Okay, this is kind of silly but clearly people don’t understand the internet.

Earlier today there was a story posted by DuffelBlog that said that former Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Kent was the creator of Terminal Lance. For those of you unaware, DuffelBlog is a fake news site, in the same vein as TheOnion. When I say “fake news site,” I’m of course referring to the fact that everything they post is fictional and is made to make you laugh. The story is fake. Although I share certain traits with black males like my exceptionally large penis, I am not Sergeant Major Kent.

I figured it would be obvious for most, but clearly many people don’t understand jokes. I do encourage you to check out DuffelBlog for a good laugh, though.

I don’t normally post the many, many emails I get from readers, but I felt like this one might be of service to some of you.

Carlos asked:

I’ve always wanted my hair to be like Abe’s. What should I tell the barber to do to make it look like Abe’s?

I’ve mentioned before that haircuts are a pretty big deal in the Marine Corps. While haircuts anywhere can greatly determine how people around you perceive your character, the subtleties involved in choosing a Marine haircut are far beyond anything you can imagine as a civilian. The difference between a high-and-tight and a low-reg haircut may seem menial to an outsider, but as a member of this absurd fine organization it can greatly determine the mental perception of how much dick you suck well you perform at your job and possibly even your chances of promotion.

Your choices are limited. Very limited. This is the military after all, this is what you signed up for. They are as follows:

• Bic’d Head (shaved)
• High-and-Tight
• High-Reg
• Medium-Reg
• Low-Reg

That’s it. These are the terms you would tell the barber, as well. All military barbers know these haircuts, it shouldn’t be confusing for them (even if they’re the only English words they understand).

Believe it or not, despite the fact that the shaved head has the least amount of hair, it’s actually not considered “moto”. Really, it’s just a look that this person has decided to go for, often times because they’re balding and trying desperately to hide it. Really, if you’re white, the military is one of the only places it’s considered okay for you to “bic” your head and not be perceived as a skinhead. It’s low-maintenence, great for the field and you can do it yourself to save money on haircuts. This is the haircut you’re required to get when you enlist, as well as the cut of choice for Garcia:

The Bic'd Head

Abe, on the other hand, chooses to rock the coveted “Medium-Reg”.

The Medium-Reg

The medium-reg is my personal favorite of the list. The medium-reg consists of 0-3 inches on top that tapers down to a 0 just above the ear. It allows a bit of freedom on the weekends to style as well as a clean look in uniform. Most people would assume that a Terminal Lance would automatically opt for the low-reg, but it’s always better to be under the radar than on it as a shit-bag.

The low-reg is one I’m not entirely fond of. Not because I have a problem “sticking it to the man” as most people who get this haircut strive to achieve, but because it just looks terrible. The low-reg haircut is basically an extended version of the medium-reg, it extends to the base of the skull but instead of being cornered off or rounded like a civilian cut, it tapers to a 0 in about an inch of space. A common side-effect of this cut is that most people that get it (the kind of people that get it) choose to let their hair also grow to the Marine Corps limit of 3 inches on top (measured precisely with their erect penis issued ID card). The result is usually a laughably ugly mess of too much hair on top with a ridiculous-looking fade in the back. It just looks awful, and frankly looking good is more important to me than taking any kind of rebellious stand.

The “High-Reg” haircut is popular amongst officers and Staff NCO’s. It allows them to have a clean, socially acceptable look while still looking like they give a fuck. It’s basically a high-and-tight that tapers to a 0 just below the crest of the skull, rather than above it (ala the high-and-tight). There is generally no issues with this haircut.

The high-and-tight is the worst of the list. I’m sorry, but it’s a really fucking disgusting haircut. This is the “traditional” haircut of the Marine Corps, not for any real reason but because some asshole–probably a high-ranking one–decided that it was what “real Marines” should get. This haircut is also responsible for the term “Jarhead”, as it makes your head look like a jar of assholes from behind. Nobody gets this haircut because it looks good, they get it because they want the fucking world to know (and know well) that they are a mother-fucking POG, boot United States Marine, ya understand that trash? The only people in the fleet that get this haircut are either the biggest assholes you’ve ever met or boots forced to by their seniors. This is also the traditional boot haircut, so avoid it at all costs.

So, Carlos, to answer your question, Abe rocks a medium-reg, and you should too.

For the rest of you, keep in mind that I read all of the emails I receive. Due to time constraints I can’t really respond to all of them, but if you have something to say that I might get a kick out of feel free to shove it my way by clicking the “Contact” button at the top of the page.

*Edit:

Some readers wanted me to mention the “Horse-Shoe High-and-Tight” and the “Screaming Eagle”–both of which are basically extreme versions of the regular high-and-tight. The horse-shoe is when they give you a high and tight but shave the top part of it flat, which exposes your scalp since the hair is so much shorter (or bald). The screaming eagle is the highest and tightest of haircuts, where they shave most of it except for a bit of hair at the front.

Both haircuts are fucking wretched and I’m sorry they exist I mentioned them.

So a crazy thing has been happening today.

Basically, some guy on the Terminal Lance forum posted some really weird, questionable websites and his thread was locked and removed from the site. Out of some kind of butthurt spite, this guy starts sending me emails threatening to remove the site and somehow ruin my reputation or… something. He claims he is an ex-Brigadier General that was in 8th and I, check out these crazy emails.

This was the first one, he thought his account was banned (it wasn’t).

___________________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

I asked if he was threatening my site, he said no. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so I asked him to explain it better, he sent me this email:

______________________________________________________________________

He then sent me this email from a new domain, “MaximilianUriarte.com” (he actually registered my name as a domain)

______________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

I then questioned his motives, saying that he appeared to be trying to blackmail me but for no apparent reason. He replied with this:

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh, my discharge was honorable and I was not a nut   But I have unique abilities.

Registrant Name: Norman VanDerKoos
Registrant Organization: Nederdietsen BV
Registrant Address: Wildunger Street 1B
Registrant Address2: Suite 23
Registrant City: Frankfurt
Registrant State/Province:
Registrant Country/Economy: DE
Registrant Postal Code: 60487
Registrant Phone: +49.31202010194
Registrant Fax: +49.31202010194
Registrant Email: admin@nederdietsen.com

Administrative Name: Norman VanDerKoos
Administrative Organization: Nederdietsen BV
Administrative Address: Wildunger Street 1B
Administrative Address2: Suite 23
Administrative City: Frankfurt
Administrative State/Province:
Administrative Country/Economy: DE
Administrative Postal Code: 60487
Administrative Phone: +49.31202010194
Administrative Fax: +49.31202010194
Administrative Email: admin@nederdietsen.com

Technical Name: Norman VanDerKoos
Technical Organization: Nederdietsen BV
Technical Address: Wildunger Street 1B
Technical Address2: Suite 23
Technical City: Frankfurt
Technical State/Province:
Technical Country/Economy: DE
Technical Postal Code: 60487
Technical Phone: +49.31202010194
Technical Fax: +49.31202010194
Technical Email: admin@nederdietsen.com

Name Server: armhair1.maximilianuriarte.com
Name Server: armhair2.maximilianuriarte.com

Like Terminal Lance? Obviously, why else would you be here? If so, you should check out some of my other work at my new portfolio website! You’ll find an array of random work that I’ve done for various projects, including Terminal Lance. Feel free to take a look at:

http://maximilianu.com