There are few people in history that are equally feared and respected as they are loved by all. General James Mattis is one of those people, and I think the entire Marine Corps can agree that he’s basically the baddest motherfucker in the game. I’m not going to belay you with the plethora of his accomplishments (mostly because I’m lazy), but if you’re not familiar with him I suggest you take to the Google train and purchase a ticket to Kickass Marine land. Of course, he is retired at this point, and deservingly so. I personally never had any interaction with him whatsoever while I was active duty, but those that did insist he was just as much of a Marine’s Marine then as he still is today.

I had the pleasure of meeting the good General a few weeks ago when he spoke at UC Berkeley.


I walked away alive, but with less hair on my head and a swollen prostate. I wasn’t able to get him to throw up the Terminal Lance hand signal, but luckily these fine young men were able to convince him to do it, which was what inspired today’s comic strip.


You’ll notice the camera is slightly off focus. This is because his presence (much like a demon or other-worldly spirit) causes camera distortion in most devices.

Okay, in all seriousness, legends aside, he’s actually just a really awesome guy. He’s down-to-earth, supremely intelligent, and most importantly he simply loves Marines. General Mattis’ reputation amongst Marine infantry is there for a reason, and if you ever get a chance to shake his hand, don’t be a pussy–he’s a genuinely nice guy in person.

This photo was posted on the Terminal Lance Facebook page. If you’re not a fan, why the fuck not? You can also follow Terminal Lance (me) on Twitter. Please do, I’m an attention whore. The Facebook page has garnered quite a large fan base at this point, which is great. Sometimes I receive messages from other military themed Facebook pages asking me what they can do to be as successful. The short answer is I have no idea. The long answer is I really don’t identify as a “Facebook Page.” The page serves only, for me, as a fan page for the Terminal Lance comic. My Facebook page isn’t just an outlet for me to post wookie jokes and start witch hunts on every civilian with a bad opinion about the military (like so many other military Facebook pages), the page itself supports the comic, and not vice versa.

Anyway, keep posting stuff to the page! Who knows, maybe you’ll end up in the next Terminal Lance comic.

Marine Dress Blues have a powerful effect on women. They don’t call them ‘panty droppers’ for no reason. Many studies have shown that females will immediately enter ovulation and possibly become pregnant at the sight of a Marine sporting full Dress Blue Alphas in person. I don’t make these rules, it’s science. Look it up.

It’s no secret that the Marine Corps Dress Blues are, by far, the most desirable uniform in the entire world. Other branches certainly have their own form of dress and service uniforms, but none of them come close to matching the majesty of that black coat with the red trim. It’s the reason many Marines choose the Marine Corps over the other branches. You could join the Army, but would you look nearly as cool? Probably not. Wear your dress blues home and you can be sure to find slug trails from all women that come into contact with you.

Featured in today’s comic is a Marine by the name of Jordan Petersen with 3rd Radio Bn in Hawaii. Jordan was one of my Kickstarter backers that bought his way into a comic strip featuring himself. I know, the Kickstarter was a while ago, but comics featuring backers are still going to be rolling out for a while (I think I’ve got about 30 more to go).

For your weekend liberty brief:

Don’t drink too much, and be careful if you wear your Dress Blue uniform out in town… it’s a dangerous risk.

This is not a regular boner. This is a moto boner.

Singing with cadence is as American as a kick-ass military that excels at fucking shit up. Still, it’s one of those things that everyone kind of hates, but the Lieutenant probably really wants to do because his entire life he’s been led to believe that Marines actually love doing it. Now that he’s a newly minted, hardcore, United States Marine, he has to whip some motivation back into his ass-dragging platoon and cadence is the first place he’ll start. While there are some entertaining cadences out there, they are tiresome for the most part.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve never been forcefully woken up at 5:30 am and thought to myself, man I know I’m hung over and tired and there’s a weird sore on my dick but I’d really love to go for a run and sing some fucking pirate shanties or something. I mean, who hasn’t done that? Shut the fuck up, no you haven’t.

Still, they’re here and they’re not going anywhere. In all honesty the cadences can actually be kind of fun if you’re in the right mood. In a weird way, it actually makes running easier because it forces you to control your breathing. While they’re lame or moto or whatever, one thing I love about Marines is their uncanny ability to turn even the shittiest, lamest situation into immense fun. It’s a talent Marines have developed over many, many years of being in shitty, lame situations all across the globe.

As for Lieutenants… Well, I’ve said it before, they’re a really easy target to make fun of. I’ll tell you why… it’s because they accomplish two things simultaneously that no one else can:

  • They’re in charge of you.
  • They’re fucking boots.

This is always a recipe for hilarity, and a lot of grief. While you can normally tell the average PFC boot to fuck off and stop booting off so much, you’re kind of stuck dealing with the Lieutenant’s bootisms on a fundamentally intrusive and oppressive level. If he wants everyone to get high and tights and sing songs while you run, you kind of have to do it, lest ye face the wrath of the Ninja Punch.

Can we just talk about rock tossing for a few minutes?

Rock Tossing is a favorite pastime of Marines everywhere! There’s an equation for this. If you put a Marine or two in a place with nothing to do, and there are rocks around, they will start throwing rocks.

Marines(Boredom)+Rocks=Rock Tossing

The sum is always true. You’d be surprised how many people have actually taken the time to email me and message me and ask “bro why hasn’t there been a comic about tossing rocks?” Every time I read them, I ask myself the same question.

The game itself is simple really… You pick up a rock and you throw it at something. There’s usually some kind of target. In this case, it’s a random piece of rebar (a harrowing target to say the least), but it can just as easily be a hole in a HESCO barrier or even other Marines. Usually, Rock Tossing almost always ends with Marines throwing rocks at each other. I would say you’d be surprised at how often Marines toss rocks when they’re bored, but you probably wouldn’t be, considering Marines are bored literally all the fucking time. I guess a key component to this is being bored outside, which they usually are. There’s always some stupid reason you’re sitting around outside waiting for something. You could be waiting on your buddy, you’re waiting on word from Staff Sergeant, you’re waiting because you were told to hang out at the company office until formation for some fucking reason; there’s an indefinite number of reasons this could occur.

Oh, and for those of you still reeling with the news that I had sold out to start “Staff Sergeant,” I am happy to inform you that that was an April Fool’s joke.

This might seem like a tame comic given this week’s events at Ft. Hood, but that was kind of what I was going for. I’ve already addressed the issue of public perception about violent crimes committed by service members a couple of years ago. From what I’ve read, the guy who committed the act at Ft. Hood this week was an Iraq veteran, but it was a 4 month deployment in 2011. Having absolutely no idea to the specifics of his deployment, I don’t think it’s really fair to comment on it. I was in Iraq for a second round in 2009 though, and it was anything but a kinetic warfare environment.

However, I think more to the point, his deployment history is irrelevant to what happened. It’s an unfortunate truth that the media will focus its attention on the fact that he was an Iraq veteran. The media and the people at large are quick to want to comprehend why something like this happens, in a latent attempt to prevent it from happening again.

I think it needs to be clearly understood: This man’s deployment to Iraq was not why this happened. For whatever his mental history is, there are literally thousands of good men and women that served in Iraq and Afghanistan that have not gone on shooting rampages. The narrative being spun that he is damaged goods because of his wartime experience are an injustice to all of those who are functioning admirably after such (which is most of them).

We’ve been at war for over a decade. Can we stop being afraid of veterans yet?

Welcome to Staff Sergeant!

Staff Sergeant is a webcomic dedicated to providing a hilarious look into the life of the average Staff NCO. This comic details the struggles of leadership and how it relates to the hilarious world of the IPAC Marine Corps environment.

I know what you’re all thinking: what happened to that other, maliciously damaging to Corps Values comic, Terminal Lance? Well, some people in Quantico offered me a lot of money to stop making it and instead focus on leadership and core values. This comic was meant to show the impact a simple uniform correction can have on a young Lance Corporal.

The Lance Corporal in this comic will go on to do wonderful things in the Corps after this one event. You never know the impact your words will have on your junior Marines. This Marine will forever remember the importance of keeping his hands out of his pockets, which will instill within him a discipline he never would have before. It might seem like it’s harsh to violently yell at someone because of where their hands are placed, but remember: if you’re louder, they can’t not hear you (and your experienced leadership).

Lastly, happy April Fool’s Day.

So much violence in the realm of Terminal Lance as of late.

In any case, God loves you.

Okay, not really. Or maybe? I don’t know. I’m not particularly religious. Even if I were, it’s really not my place to tell you what God does or doesn’t do. With that said, this wasn’t really meant to come off as being a secular joke, it’s really more of just a joke. If you’re not sure about what Abe is talking about, I would kindly point you toward even something as renown as the Stanley Kubrick classic, Full Metal Jacket.

God has a hard-on for Marines.

But really, religion–specifically Christianity–is very deeply tied into Marine Corps culture. This is natural, and entirely to be expected with such a strong conservative presence typically found in the military as a whole. I would not be so bold as to proclaim that there is anything inherently wrong with this, I don’t think that’s the correct way to look at it anyway. People have their beliefs and they should be respected regardless. You will find that Christian imagery has a very strong presence amongst the Marine Corps, as is to be expected, in the form of internet memes and the like if you browse any of the plethoric military Facebook pages.

When I got into the Marine Corps, I asked that my dog tags have “NO PREFERENCE” embossed in their steely surface. Boot camp was quite possibly the only time I engaged in any kind of religious activity, as is the case with many Marines, but it wasn’t a passionate rediscovering of my faith. No, it was attending the Jewish service on Friday nights. I suppose, growing up, I never really identified with any particular religion, but I knew my family background was Jewish. My grandfather was a practicing Jew, but he died when my mom was very young, long before I was ever even a sperm in my daddy’s balls. As a result, there was simply no religious presence whatsoever in my household. It wasn’t like there was any disdain for it, it just wasn’t something we did. We celebrated Christmas, but on the basis of it being an American pastime rather than the celebration of Christ.

Back to boot camp, when the drill instructors, in that ever-memorable first week, came to the front of the squad bay and asked “Which one of you motherfuckers is Jewish?” I responded reluctantly, not really sure what to expect. Having no real idea what was happening, we were escorted to a small room across the parade deck at MCRD San Diego. It wasn’t until I was instructed to put on a yarmulke that I had any idea what I had gotten myself into. We sat down amongst a few civilians, sang songs and had a good time. The Friday Jewish services, it turned out, were actually really awesome, and I’m very happy I went.

The best part was that on Sunday, when 90% of the squad bay was at church, the Drill Instructors would let the Jewish recruits just chill out.

I would read the Sunday comics in the newspaper, without the faintest clue I would be starting my own comic strip in years to come…

In other news, I’ve been in full production mode over the last couple of weeks and have barely slept. Producing what? The White Donkey of course! A lot of you have asked me what’s going on with the book, and I’m here to tell you today to expect some news in the very near future.

In the meantime, have a great weekend and go to church on Sunday. Or synagogue on Friday night. Or whatever it is you do I already know it’s getting really drunk and playing PlayStation. Also, follow me on Twitter. I need the attention.

From the shadows of your company office and battalion headquarters, an ancient warrior of stealth strikes whence heeded upon by your command.

He is the Ninja… and he likes to punch Marines.

For those of you unaware, Ninja Punch refers to an “NJP” or “Non-Judicial Punishment.” This is more or less an all-encompassing term for any kind of formal punishment in the Marine Corps above a Page 11 but below a court martial. Many Lance Corporals have fallen victim to the shadow warrior, their rank stricken from their collar upon impact of his fierce and swift strikes.

Of course, an NJP doesn’t necessarily mean reduction in rank, but it certainly can if it’s bad enough. Generally, I think you’d only get busted down from a battalion NJP, but I didn’t want to draw Abe wearing his Alphas because the rank flying off wouldn’t really work. Creative license, if you will.

It’s a funny thing about the whole “Terminal Lance” thing. Despite the fact that I’m published every week in the Marine Times and basically the entire Marine Corps reads this, there’s still a funny stigma associated with my website. The term “Terminal Lance” really just means anyone that got out of the Marine Corps as a Lance Corporal. It’s typically negative because the connotation is that you either got in some kind of trouble, reducing your rank, or you were simply a total shit-bag incapable of a cutting score. This is all based on a true story, though. In my case, I simply was unable to pick up because my MOS (0351) cutting score was either laughably high or closed out completely. People that pick up Corporal with some low ass cutting score like 1400 and act like it’s an accomplishment always bothered me. There’s plenty of good Marines that fall victim to the broken cutting score system, but from what I’ve read, that’s going to change soon. Anyway, the point of this rant is that I’ve never been NJP’d or demoted, despite the fact that I got out as a Lance Corporal.

I’ve never felt the wrath of the Ninja, but I know plenty of otherwise good Marines that have. Getting an NJP or losing rank doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it just means you fucked up.

Besides, we all know the Green Weenie is one horny motherfucker, and he’s always looking for the next butthole to forcefully take.

No homo.

I’m sure all of you have heard by now that the founder of the despicable Westboro Baptist Church died yesterday. I like to think that when the news broke, thousands of Ewoks on an Endor moon danced in celebration.

I’ve read (already) multiple blogs and articles suggesting that the best way to say fuck you to the late, old, stupid fuck is to do absolutely nothing. By picketing his funeral (of which there won’t be) or otherwise celebrating his death is to stoop to his level. On one hand I agree with this sentiment, as we should always be above vengeance at a basic level. However, in this specific case, I also don’t give two shits about stooping to his level either way. An eye for an eye might make the whole world blind, but Daredevil was blind and he was a super hero.

Okay that’s bad advice, but really, if someone wants to take a massive dump on his grave while hosting the utmost homoerotic group sex all up and down his rotten plot, I wouldn’t shake my head in disgust, I would have a good, hardy laugh. This is the same guy responsible for hosting picket parties at the funerals of fallen Marines and soldiers. People could dig up his old, limp corpse and skull-fuck his rotting face and I really wouldn’t care. Call me petty, but the world is a better place without people like him, and I think its no coincidence he happened to die on “International Happiness Day.”

In other news, General Mattis knife-handed me on Wednesday and it was awesome.



He was speaking at UC Berkeley on Wednesday and Thursday this week. Unfortunately I missed the second lecture, but one of my favorite quotes from Wednesday night was this, which I shall leave you with:

“I was a very average Marine, I just happened to be at the right place at the right time, repeatedly.”

This really isn’t meant to come off as some kind of A&E special on alcoholism, I just thought my first idea of “it was Saint Patrick’s Day?” was way too easy of a punchline to end on. As well, I like to end all of my jokes about alcohol in glorious laughter.

It’s not a secret that Marines love to drink. There’s nothing inherently wrong with drinking on its own accord, as it is true that the best stories usually don’t begin with “so I was super sober last night when…” Seeing as yesterday was actually Saint Patrick’s Day, I imagine a lot of you fine gentlemen (and ladies) are probably reading this hung over (and without pants–at least that’s how I like to imagine my female readers reading my comic–please send photos of yourselves reading Terminal Lance without pants on to I, too, enjoy a rousing round of alcoholic beverage or two, responsibly of course. With that said, alcoholism is a very real issue in the Marine Corps (and the rest of the military) and probably shouldn’t be taken lightly. As someone who has struggled with my own issues in varying forms, I would highly recommend seeking help if you feel like you need it, even in a most modest sense. DUI’s and the like are easy jokes to make, but for too many Marines the reality is anything but funny.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with consuming alcohol responsibly. I plan on enjoying a cold Lagunitas IPA as soon as I finish writing this article… But demons are demons, and they have a way of getting the best of us even at our strongest.

In any case, I hope you had a good time, drunk or not. I plan on spending the rest of my day huddled in front of my TV. You see, yesterday might have been a national holiday, but today is a Max holiday. It only comes around every few years, but when it does, there’s little that can stop me from celebrating.

I’m talking about the release of Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes, of course.

I’ll admit, spending my day playing a video game doesn’t exactly make me look like a badass; but Metal Gear Solid isn’t just a video game and you shut the fuck up when we’re talking about Metal Gear Solid.

It is a kind gesture, but an empty one. Everyone knows that you never actually call First Sergeant when the need arises. After all, that’s what the chain of command is for. When you’re out in town and you accidentally kill a hooker, this is generally the order of people you should call:

  1. Your roommate
  2. Your team members
  3. Your team leader
  4. Your squad leader/section leader
  5. Your Gunny
  6. Your platoon sergeant
  7. Your best friend back home
  8. Your siblings
  9. Your grand parents
  10. Your mom or dad
  11. Friend you only really talk to on Facebook anymore
  12. Your wife
  13. First Sergeant

You’ll notice that Gunny is on there pretty early. That’s because Gunny can make shit disappear. If anything, he’s the first person you should call. I don’t know what it is about Gunnies, but they all have a somewhat supernatural ability to make shit happen, and are generally cool with keeping things under the rug. Something happens to them when they get that little diamond on their chest though. The magic is lost, all they care about at that point are cutting scores and haircuts.

I’m sure every one of you has your First Sergeant’s number in your phone. He usually gives it to you in one of your earliest formations, proclaiming that if ever you are in trouble, he’ll come pick you up himself. He’s half-lying. He’ll come pick you up, but he’ll take you straight to Battalion for a Ninja Punch so hard you’ll be passing shurikens through your urethra like kidney stones.

It’s Friday, so I should give you my liberty brief:

If it looks like shit, smells like shit, don’t marry it for the BAH. Also, feel free to call me if you ever get into trouble. I’ll come pick you up myself.

Oh, on a side note, the Commandant is doing a live town hall meeting like… right now. Go here.

Please note, I’m putting this up because I think it’s a good opportunity for Marines to air their concerns and questions, since there is so much criticism of the Commandant at this point. Take advantage of it! I don’t think any command has ever actually done this.