It’s one or the other amirite guys?

No but really, you always hear about how Sergeants are the “backbone” of the Corps, or Gunnery Sergeants are the “backbone” of the Staff NCO Corps, or Lance Corporals are the “backbone” of lower enlisted; there’s only so many backbones you guys. We need to start assigning the anatomically correct body parts in relation to members of the Marine Corps.

So we’ve already established that Sergeants are the backbone. Okay, they deserve that.

  • Private: The appendix or something useless, who’s a Private anyway besides students?
  • Private First Class: The gooch of the Corps. Underneath even the Lance Corporals, who we’ve established are either the dick and balls or the asshole.
  • Lance Corporal: See strip.
  • Corporal: The buttocks. These Marines are underneath the Sergeants but above the asshole; some can look nice and even fuckable, but may smell of sweaty shit upon closer inspection.
  • Sergeant: See strip.
  • Staff Sergeant: The lungs. They spout hot air given to them by higher and play a major role in the operation of the entire body by circulating their oxygenated bullshit throughout the vascular system.
  • Gunny: The rippling, sweaty, muscular arms of the Marine Corps. Gunny’s are usually the cool guys of the Staff NCO’s, they’re high enough rank that no one bothers them but not high enough to really give a shit about anything. They’re just there, looking cool and occasionally doing some heavy lifting.
  • First Sergeant/Master Sergeant: These guys are the eyeballs of the Marine Corps. Well, maybe, who knows? All I know is 9 times out of 10, if you’re getting your ass chewed, it’s by one of these E8′s with eagle-like vision that spotted you from across the PX parking lot for something that may or may not be your fault.
  • Sergeant Major: The hard skull/cranium. We rarely see the brain as a lower-enlisted, instead we usually see the face of the battalion command represented by the highest enlisted. The Sergeant Major protects the CO (the brain) from rocks and other small objects that may be thrown as a result of hearing things like, “lol your leave is canked,” and “lol no chow this week, guys.”
  • *People asked about Master Guns, they are a mythical creature that doesn’t actually exist, like a unicorn or a hot female Marine.

Officers are a whole other thing, generally different parts of the brain, which is immensely complex. I’m pretty sure 2nd Lieutenants are that part they say we never use throughout our entire lives.