Maximilian

Creator

Terminal Lance #30 “The Lance Corporal Food Pyramid”

April 16, 2010

It was a tough decision, choosing which item should go on the bottom. While I think Marines can debate whether or not alcohol or tobacco are in fact their best friend in the Corps, I chose tobacco because when you’re on deployment you only get to use one of them. Sans pseudo-holidays like the Marine Corps birthday, odds are you can guess which one it is.

Energy drinks are big in the Marines, I think many of us consume more of these than water. I’m pretty sure Monster makes about 85% of its revenue from the armed services of America, if not more. Another necessary food group to the Lance Corporal: Porn. While technically “banned” on deployment, you’d be hard-pressed (literally perhaps?) to find someone who didn’t have at least a few gigs of the stuff permeating their portable hard drives and laptops. I think the ban on porn is absurd, frankly. While it has been noted and recently recognized to get out of control perhaps, discouraging Marines to have sexual release isn’t just impossible, it’s beyond common sense. Recent studies (which I’m too lazy to cite) have shown that daily sexual release is not only good for the mind, it actually promotes good prostate health.

Anyway, I think the “bullshit” food group is definitely necessary for the Lance Corporal. It could be debated that “bullshit” should be the largest food group of the Lance Corporal, but ultimately I think the tobacco and alcohol help to cover up the pain and misery the bullshit inevitably leads to. Of course our job sucks, that’s just the nature of it–but that’s not what bothers the average Lance. It’s no secret that wandering around some shit-hole country waiting to get shot at while wearing 80+ lbs of gear is a shitty job. However, it’s the bullshit that keeps people from re-enlisting. It’s the reason many Marines leave permanently scarred and bitter from their experiences.

Lastly, you have motivation. Motivation is the smallest food group for the Lance Corporal because, much like sugary sweets, too much of it will leave you gluttonous and immobilized to the regular world. Like the morbid obese, no one will want to be around you. You’ll be incapable of interacting with regular people without them leering at you in disgust; but instead of staring at your oily, foul head of hair and acne coating your back and arms, they’ll be staring at a raging high and tight and motto tats that only further alienate you from the regular populace of the world. The Lance Corporal must avoid motivation in order to maintain good mental and physical health, as according to the pyramid.

With that said, it’s not like a little motivation here and there will kill you. We all enjoy watching things like Generation Kill and Full Metal Jacket, playing Call of Duty and watching YouTube videos of hajji’s getting riddled with bullets. As the pyramid suggests, a little bit of motivation here and there is perfectly healthy and can perhaps even be good for you in moderation.

Okay so maybe drawing a parallel between morbid obesity and motivation is a stretch, but dammit I’m sticking to it!

I think it is finally starting to dawn on me that my last day in the Marine Corps is coming up here pretty quickly. It’s almost surreal to think it’s been 4 years. It seems like every day I can remember up until now I was counting down the years, then months, then weeks, and now even days. The accomplishments, big and small that I’ve made are all just fuzzy memories now, visions of when silly things like landing a rocket on target were important to me.

But it remains, as I told myself before: it is just time to move on; and move on I shall, gents… move on I shall.

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